This past one and a half years of staying at home and having very minimal contact with people in real life have been challenging, but it also gave me time to spend most of my days in solitude. Especially because I finally have the chance to be away from any form of romantic attachment and be able to observe and evaluate it from a distance. So here is a (very) brief analysis of myself and my misadventures. A candid self-criticism. Or simply, a reflection.
I don't know if it's because of the solitude, or me turning 30, or because the galaxies are aligned, but I kind of feel like I am more comfortable with just being myself: honest and real. It does not mean that all of my insecurities have magically vanished because they're still there for sure. It seems like there is this new version of self-esteem that doesn't care about what other people think of me, especially men. I no longer seek that kind of approval or validation because I like myself, MORE than I like to be liked or adored.
Another thinking point that I want to evaluate is: What were my red flags in the past romantic attachments? Because none of them worked out - at least from my point of view. These are the three fundamentals that I found. One: I fall too soon too fast with the 'idea' of the person instead of the real deal. This 'idea' was mainly shaped by the unhealthy attachment pattern and emotional baggage that I carry from when I was little. I have to learn re-parenting to liberate myself from this cycle. I'm still learning. Two: We did not establish some sort of friendship. It is necessary to test the compatibility with the other person in various kinds of circumstances. Anyone can be perfect during a romantic getaway for a few days but can they also be compatible with us when dealing with conflict, stress, anger, and frustration? Three: trading off emotional intimacy for physical availability. Because of low self-esteem, I was willing to get instant physical gratification and ignore my need for connection. Although sure, I had some good times from that too. Hahahaha.
Anyway, I think I have much-improved self-esteem now. Therefore, I can assertively say what I seek from a relationship are emotional maturity, emotional intimacy, and at the same time: independence. Oh, the independence part is because I believe that each person is accountable for their own happiness and accomplishment - should not expect the other person to be responsible for those matters. Sounds too idealistic, but what the heck, this is my new standard. But then again, finding a partner for a relationship is no longer a priority to me. I believe the more urgent task is to be the whole person that I need to be.
And if love eventually comes around, hopefully, it will grow from a place of abundance, not from a state of lack. Hopefully, it will be between two people that's already done the hard work: getting to know themselves, developing emotional maturity, acknowledging insecurities and vulnerability. And yet, still have the drive to grow and be a better person, and want to do it together with me.
Myself from 7 years ago will not believe that she will get to this point where she can make a review about her own red flags, acknowledge her shortcomings, and be confident enough to say what she wants for herself.
So yeah.
Cheers to growing up.
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" I choose to love, this time for once, with all my intelligence'
Adrienne Rich
