reset button

This past one and a half years of staying at home and having very minimal contact with people in real life have been challenging, but it also gave me time to spend most of my days in solitude. Especially because I finally have the chance to be away from any form of romantic attachment and be able to observe and evaluate it from a distance. So here is a (very) brief analysis of myself and my misadventures. A candid self-criticism. Or simply, a reflection. 

I don't know if it's because of the solitude, or me turning 30, or because the galaxies are aligned, but I kind of feel like I am more comfortable with just being myself: honest and real. It does not mean that all of my insecurities have magically vanished because they're still there for sure. It seems like there is this new version of self-esteem that doesn't care about what other people think of me, especially men. I no longer seek that kind of approval or validation because I like myself, MORE than I like to be liked or adored.

Another thinking point that I want to evaluate is: What were my red flags in the past romantic attachments? Because none of them worked out - at least from my point of view. These are the three fundamentals that I found. One: I fall too soon too fast with the 'idea' of the person instead of the real deal. This 'idea' was mainly shaped by the unhealthy attachment pattern and emotional baggage that I carry from when I was little. I have to learn re-parenting to liberate myself from this cycle. I'm still learning. Two: We did not establish some sort of friendship. It is necessary to test the compatibility with the other person in various kinds of circumstances. Anyone can be perfect during a romantic getaway for a few days but can they also be compatible with us when dealing with conflict, stress, anger, and frustration? Three: trading off emotional intimacy for physical availability. Because of low self-esteem, I was willing to get instant physical gratification and ignore my need for connection. Although sure, I had some good times from that too. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I think I have much-improved self-esteem now. Therefore, I can assertively say what I seek from a relationship are emotional maturity, emotional intimacy, and at the same time: independence. Oh, the independence part is because I believe that each person is accountable for their own happiness and accomplishment - should not expect the other person to be responsible for those matters. Sounds too idealistic, but what the heck, this is my new standard. But then again, finding a partner for a relationship is no longer a priority to me. I believe the more urgent task is to be the whole person that I need to be.

And if love eventually comes around, hopefully, it will grow from a place of abundance, not from a state of lack. Hopefully, it will be between two people that's already done the hard work: getting to know themselves, developing emotional maturity, acknowledging insecurities and vulnerability. And yet, still have the drive to grow and be a better person, and want to do it together with me.

Myself from 7 years ago will not believe that she will get to this point where she can make a review about her own red flags, acknowledge her shortcomings, and be confident enough to say what she wants for herself.

So yeah.

Cheers to growing up.

___________________________________________________

" I choose to love, this time for once, with all my intelligence'

Adrienne Rich

impermanence

Lament
by Herman Hesse

No permanence is ours; we are a wave
That flows to fit whatever form it finds:
Through day or night, cathedral or the cave
We pass forever, craving form that binds.

Mold after mold we fill and never rest,
We find no home where joy or grief runs deep.
We move, we are the everlasting guest.
No field nor plow is ours; we do not reap.

What God would make of us remains unknown:
He plays; we are the clay to his desire.
Plastic and mute, we neither laugh nor groan;
He kneads, but never gives us to the fire.

To stiffen to stone, to persevere!
We long forever for the right to stay.
But all that ever stays with us is fear,
And we shall never rest upon our way.

a stranger who knows you by heart

Love after Love
by Derek Walcott

the time will come 
when, with elation 
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door, in your own mirror 
and each will smile at the other's welcome

and say, sit here. eat. 
you will love again the stranger who was your self
give wine. give bread. give back your heart 
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you ignored 
for another, who knows you by heart
take down the love letters from the book shelf

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life. 

ruang putih pertama

a glimpse of good winter

this is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

your love will be

safe with me

Bon Iver

26 Feb 2016, Sg.

learning now

she is learning now to love her hair her own eyes her bruises

happy new year.

Pagi 281114

Di dekat laut
atau hutan
atau mungkin bulan

Bukan dari kotak
ke kotak

Menikmati kehadiran waktu
menjadikannya teman searus

Bukan kejar mengejar
bersaing untuk lebih dahulu
ke pencapaian-pencapaian semu

Menapak jejak jalan setapak
menggandeng lara
atau suka
atau tiada

Aku ingin menulis
melukis
menyanyi
dalam sepi
hening
bening


______

ibu mawar

ibu mawar menatap matahari
memandang bulan
merenungi langit

di taman kecil dia hidup
bersama tanam-tanaman hijau saudaranya
geranium, sedap malam, sukulen, kamboja
dan si pemakan serangga

angin selalu singgah atau sekadar lewat
untuk merinai hujan
atau meniup lagu

Ibu mawar tidak pernah ingin tahu
hidup di luar taman kecil
nyanyian angin yang lain
taman tanpa pemakan serangga
atau kapan kelopaknya akan layu

menatap matahari
memandang bulan
merenungi langit
rindu pada benih
cinta untuk pucuk

itu saja cukup
sumber nafasnya

- pucuk

musim hujan datang
tapi hujan tidak ada
di taman depan rumah

harus cari satu
hujan yang deras
yang getir
merdu



---
siap-siap meja dan kursi
dan segelas air putih
dibalik jendela

People sometimes say that you must believe in feelings deep inside, otherwise you’d never be confident of things like ‘My wife loves me’. But this is a bad argument. There can be plenty of evidence that somebody loves you. All through the day when you are with somebody who loves you, you see and hear lots of little tidbits of evidence, and they all add up. It isn't purely inside feeling, like the feeling that priests call revelation. There are outside things to back up the inside feeling: looks in the eye, tender notes in the voice, little favors and kindnesses; this is all real evidence.

Richard Dawkins in a letter to his ten-year-old daughter 

via brainpickings.org

roti gambang

Sore hari ini saya ada di warung kopi mahal lagi. Setelah baru saja tadi pagi sarapan di warteg pinggir jalan sambil menunggu dijemput. Dua potong tahu goreng empuk, dua butir perkedel enak, dan segelas teh manis hangat dibayar hanya seharga 5500 rupiah. Sementara di warung kopi ini, saya beli minuman blender rasa kopi dengan harga 38000 rupiah, demi mengejar masa promosi bulan Oktober, buy one get one, yang ujung-ujungnya bikin bangkrut juga.

Sudah sebulan lebih saya tidak ke warung kopi yang nyaman. Pernah beberapa kali sewaktu masih menginap di Bogor, tapi warung kopi di sana tidak senyaman disini. Karena kebanyakan pengunjungnya kalangan keluarga, rasanya jadi aneh kalau saya duduk sendiri berlama-lama. Pengunjung warung kopi ini hampir semua adalah orang-orang kantoran yang sibuk. Baik yang sedang mengadakan pertemuan maupun yang sibuk sendiri dengan gadgetnya, jadinya saya transparan. Selama apapun saya disini tidak akan ada yang acuh, kecuali mungkin barista-barista yang berdiri menghadap ke arah tempat saya berselonjor.

Sore ini udaranya jingga. Tidak ada hujan. Hari ini saya bisa pulang lebih awal setelah kunjungan ke klien yang kebetulan berada di dekat daerah Sudirman. Jadilah saya kesini, sembari sedikit mengingat kembali sewaktu saya masih menganggur dan menghabiskan beberapa waktu konslet sendirian. Memikirkan yang jauh-jauh yang tidak tergapai. Menyelami udara dalam warung kopi ini yang penuh senyawa rindu yang salah. Menghitung butiran sepi yang berwujud debu tebal di atas buku coklat. Melarut dalam rahasia yang dilagukan hujan di balik jendela.

Sore ini udaranya jingga. Tidak ada hujan. Saya kini seorang pekerja kantoran yang sebagian besar ruang pikirnya harus dibagi untuk urusan pekerjaan. Ruang untuk hujan dan segala perihal yang bikin saya kesetrum harus diperkecil karena 'tidak praktis' untuk urusan kerja dan pencarian uang. Sekarang senyawa rindu tidak lagi menyesakkan, hampir hilang, berubah wanginya. Sepi masih timbul tenggelam di sela-sela waktu, tapi saya terlalu repot untuk peduli. Hujan kadang datang hanya berbentuk raga, tidak hadir jiwanya.

Sore ini udaranya jingga. Tidak ada hujan. Saya cemas, mengais-ngais sebongkah lara yang tidak juga ketemu.

both sides now

bows and flows of angel hair

and ice cream castles in the air

and feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun

they rain and snow on everyone

so many things I would have done

but clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

from up and down, and still somehow

it's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

moons and Junes and ferris wheels

the dizzy dancing way you feel

as every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show

you leave 'em laughing when you go

and if you care, don't let them know

don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

from give and take, and still somehow

it's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud

to say "I love you" right out loud

dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

oh but now old friends are acting strange

they shake their heads, they say I've changed

well something's lost but something's gained

in living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

from win and lose and still somehow

it's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now

from up and down and still somehow

it's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

charlotte

minggu sore

Semesta selalu punya caranya sendiri untuk mendewasakan kita. Sekalipun sudah menutup diri supaya kedap rasa, tidak terluka, atau sekedar malas jadi dewasa; selalu ada celah untuk merembes masuk, merasuk, mengirim orang-orang istimewa untuk mendesak diri jadi dewasa.

Bertahan atau berkilah adalah percuma. Dia adalah sang Maha. Yang perlu dilakukan yaitu merelakan diri. Biarkan orang-orang itu datang. Biarkan diri mengalami segala rasa. Biarkan semesta membentuk menempa diri. Hidup ada supaya kita mengalami.

Seorang penulis pernah menyatakan bahwa nasib terbaik adalah tidak dilahirkan. Selama ini saya setuju dengan pendapat itu. Tapi tidak untuk saat ini. Mungkin tidak pernah lahir adalah nasib kurang beruntung. Tidak pernah mengalami hidup.

Di kejernihan yang sejenak ini, saya berterimakasih. Atas adanya saya, setiap makhluk, dan semua materi di semesta ini. Atas hidup yang saya punya. Saya siap, saya ingin mengalami.

Di warung kopi sepi. Minggu sore biasa yang tiba-tiba jernih.

a glimpse of northern lights

Last night, was it real?

Seeing Sigur Sos live concert is one of my bucket list. Yesterday was my birthday, the day Sigur Ros came to Jakarta. I went alone. After around five hours of waiting outside the venue, finally it started. All is magic, from the very beginning to the very end. I didn't want to expect anything. I just want to be really really there and really really gone. And there it goes..

It was someplace unknown.

Neverland?

I don't know.

I was there.

Happy.

I wish I could see them again. Maybe in Iceland. Maybe I could share the moment with the one i love. Maybe. Must be.

Someday I'll be there again. Neverland.

Takk, Sigur Ros.

song list from here

as though nothing could fall

good to know you

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master."

-Elizabeth Gilbert